Just last week we finally cleared the Weapon's refrain (Ultimate).
Honestly, I feel a real mix of emotions, which is why I've been struggling to write a blog about clearing my first ultimate.
This blog isn't about the fight but more of an emotional rollercoaster
I went on last week.
Towards the end of the prog (around surpression the last phase) I did end up missing a couple sessions (due to real life stuff) and the team had a substitute take my place.
I was watching the stream when the squad first cleared with their sub.
I felt absolutely happy for them, ecstatic, overwhelmed with joy.
After so many weeks of tirelessly progging, discussing tactics and strats, and wiping over and over again, they had finally cleared.
My static had cleared an ultimate!!!
I was just bursting with pride. Absolutely proud of what they had accomplished.
After that feeling disappeared however, I felt upset and angry at myself that I just WASN'T THERE clearing with the gang. I felt regret, sad, disappointed in myself. I felt as though I was guilty of not being there when they needed me.
If only I hadn't missed those sessions, I could have been there!
I could have cleared with them!
I did feel betrayed in a way, that despite the many weeks we had been progging together, I was benched for the last lap.
I felt as if I had been stabbed in the back and replaced (which I knew wasn't true
I may have been quite the salty, bitter, sour lemon about it, spitting out backhanded compliments & sarcastic comments.
But I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings and didn't want people to pity me.
But the past can't be changed, so there's no point in beating myself up, or getting angry & salty over it.
I accepted it happened and got over it.
I'm just so grateful they helped me clear the day after.
When that day came, I was such a nervous wreck. Seeing the crew all equipped with "Ultimate Legend" titles, with their shiny weapons, I couldn't help but feel envious & animosity towards them. I felt out of place, like I didn't fit in.
I felt like I was the imposter.
But I had to pull myself together!
Deep breaths, need to keep calm and focus, I told myself over and over again.
And then, my anxiety started playing up.
When was the last time I felt this emotion?
I could do a PowerPoint presentation in a room full of 30 strangers, no sweat.
But I get anxiety in an online game with 7 other people I know?
Where's the logic in that?!
ANYWAYS, I was struggling to concentrate because of my anxiety, so now we were wiping to silly things, I failed to watch the aggro list, forgetting to shirk, and so the tankbuster ended up on the party and wiping us.
I got hit by EVERYTHING, feather rains, landslides, crimson cyclones, weights of the land, eruptions, searing wind, eye of the storm...
Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.
I was angry, frustrated and annoyed with myself, I was messing up on really simple stuff. I was really struggling to keep my cool.
I was beginning to dread that we might never clear.
But thank goodness they were so patient with me! (Like really, we were wiping for 4+ hours ;-; but they were still determined as ever to get the clear, I love them to pieces ♥)
I just needed to focus.
When we saw Ultima...
I wanted to split it wide open, crack it two like a coconut, snap it out of existence.
Never before have I wanted to kill something so badly.
I feel like it was my fierce determination to kill Ultima which pulled me through the fight.
And when I finally cleared, I felt a huge wave of relief. Like a weight had just been lifted off my chest.
The nightmare was over.
My anxiety just completely vanished.
Any animosity I had felt towards my static, disappeared as well.
I did it!
I cleared an ultimate!
I felt like I could do anything, it was an amazing feeling.
I'm not sure if I'm making a mountain out a molehill, or if I'm emotional sensitive or something. But I feel like if this last week has taught me anything, I need a better control of my emotions. Talking to friends and writing this blog, has definitely helped me a lot.
ANYWAYS, first weapon I got was the paladin sword & shield, we're planning to do reclears soon, I can't wait to get more!
I might talk about the fight some more in another blog, for now I'm happy that I cleared it!
I'd like to thank my friends and static for helping me out, I couldn't have done it without their help!
I ACTUALLY CLEARED AN ULTIMATE!!!