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Enesha Melwalx

Zodiark [Light]

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What’s the price of growth?

Öffentlich
[This isn’t Enesha talking this time: it’s me, the player controlling her.]

I feel like my tanxiety is slowly turning into.. I don’t know, something else?
I kinda still look back at when I was even just terrified of reading “Use the Duty Finder to enter this Trial/Dungeon.” in my MSQ.

Time passed, and I made quite a lot of friends, several of whose are still chatting and hanging out with me every day. They really helped me out in.. well, pretty much everything I can recall: whenever I had a question, they were here to answer. Whenever I faced a horrible mandatory Dungeon/Trial for MSQ, they were willing to help. Even when I just wanted some kind of company or when I felt down, they still were there to kindly chat and have fun with me. Nothing more, nothing less. And I wouldn’t have asked for anything else, given my introvert, shy and self-critical nature. And I do know I’m a little too much talkative at times, but, when I think of it, I just repeat myself “better than being your usual mute self, you stupid weirdo.”.

I’ve started doing roulettes this week (I never did them until now because I’ve been busy leveling crafters and gatherers to lv70 and doing MSQs) and I already have built up a team with which I regularly run them. This gave me a really great sense of friendship, self-confidence, inner peace and strength to face everything the game has to offer. Even Raids, the which I was literally scared of, turned out to be quite fun if done the “good” way.

But... Every good story must have some kind of turning point, doesn’t it? Mine is no different...
I reckon I can feel a weirdo by saying something of the sort, but, in the beginning, I wanted to role-playing my way through the game: I have created several characters, all resembling the ones of a story of mine I’ve been writing since 2013.
Every single character of mine has their story, their appearance, their preferences, their dreams, their personality. They’re all different one from another, and I wanted to fully impersonate them in order to give my gameplay an interesting turn.

Alas, it appears like I’m not so strong-willed: Enesha is an easygoing, cheerful, mature, caring and protective girl, so I just went down that road and.. it appears people like my attitude. I surely did a lot of friends with her...
But as my experience in the game began to increase, so my real self started to pop up in random occasions because I’m just getting involved more and more into the game mechanics and, more than ever, I feel the necessity of not letting the people I care for down.

I’ve had tanxiety during my first few weeks. I felt the responsibility of carrying perfect strangers knowing their fates and gaming experiences depended on me, and that their eyes were always gazing upon me no matter what. No one can escape others’ judgment afterall. And since I were nobody back then, I felt like leaving a good impression was everything to me.
Because of the time I spent in the Novice Network so far, I now have more confidence in myself and my skills, not to mention I know my limits, and can safely say those days are almost gone. I still try to leave a good impression on strangers when I’m matched with them, but since my friends are always with me, I feel like I know I’m not alone in the fight anymore, and I can trust them with my own (in-game) life.

But the question is: what have I exactly became, or what I am going to?
The fear of dying against multipulls is now more likely a “I’ll wall-to-wall so we can get out fast and do more things together”, the “I don’t know other players so I won’t speak to them” feel is turning into a “If I speak to others, they’ll recognize I’m doing my best to be friendly and supportive” and the “It’s ok if you messed up, don’t worry, we’re all newbies here” one is turning into a “We’re all experienced here, so if someone is messing around they’re a dick”.
But I don’t know if I like this growth of mine.

Wall-to-wall is surely an option to me now, since I’m confident in my skills and I know the healer has my back, but I often feel like I’m being the typical “hardcore asshole” tank that rushes his way through the Dungeon because he wants to get out ASAP no matter how the other players feel about my pacing. And I reckon that even after having done nothing but tanking until now.

Speaking to strangers is one of my biggest dilemmas ever, since I, as a person, don’t usually like to, and just shut up 90% of the times; Enesha, on the other hand, is an open and friendly fella that likes to meet new people, so when I started playing as her (long story short: she’s my second character in the list and she was in a preferred server when I created her) I questioned myself if I either had to chat or didn’t have to. In the end, I never did until a random Mentor invited me to NN (I didn’t even know what it was back then). Since NN community is pretty big, I wanted to start RPGing from that moment on, and things seemed to go well. Although I often feel like I’m just a spammy talkative imbecile newbie.
Day after day, though, I keep asking myself if I’m really going to make it, since it’s literally like pretending to be someone else and masking my own attitude and feelings, no matter how good they may be. But if I think about it, that’s something we all do, both in real life and, especially, on the net.
Someone may be even asking themself why I even do such a shit. Well, that’s because.. I just know people wouldn’t like me the way I usually approach others, and most players aren’t willing to dig deeper into a stranger just to find out how they really are deep inside. I know I wouldn’t have that many friends if I’m just to be myself.

The previous point also applies to the last part of the sentence in which I recently started thinking it’s given players I come across are just experienced as me or more, so everything I know, they do as well, if not more and better. But it seems like it’s not always like that, and, when it happens, my disappointment makes my real self pop up, kinda making me appear as a know-it-all dick.

TL;DR: I wanna be a good player but I don’t know wether I should pretend to be someone/something I’m not or if I should just drop the nice mask and being myself.

Not many people will read this Blog anyway, so I guess you can call this just a.. I don’t know, a diary page of mine? Whatever... I just wish someone could help me through this shit, but I take it’s just a “battle” of mine and I should find the answer myself. Although I never dislike advices.
Kommentare (1)

Enesha Melwalx

Zodiark [Light]

You know what? Actually, screw it all. I am who I am, and I really am no good at pretending. Noloic, Enesha, Mitran, Alis... It doesn’t matter who I’m controlling. They’re just characters of mine, and such they shall remain.
Life is too busy and short to wear masks all the time...

... Onward. Nicolò here, over and out.
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